WEEK 14: THERE ONLY CAN BE 1!

This week is going to be hell on the gonculator.  There are 6 teams fighting for one spot.  Thank you to Udderguys for not making it 7.  Here is how this works.  You need to be the top ranked team in your division (out of the 5-8 teams) to be considered.  This means that if Worthless wins, he is in consideration along with the winner of Overpriced vs Haulin Ass.  The other division has 3 teams, all fighting for one spot and only 1 of those teams can be taken into consideration.  SWAG has the best chance in his division.  A win and he is the final team for consideration.  A loss by SWAG and win by Crankers and Crankers becomes that third team.  A win by SYMTD and loss by Crankers and then SYMTD gets that third spot.

After you narrow down the three (possible 2 if Worthless loses) then it is head-to-head.   If it is Worthless, Overpriced and SWAG.  Worthless moves on because he has beaten both those teams.  If there is a three-way (I wrote 3-way) tie head-to-head, then it comes down to points.  So, if Worthless, Haulin Ass and SYMTD are all in the considered 3 than they will be 1-1 against each other and it will come down to final points which will likely be Worthless Bastards.  Most everyone in the league is hoping for a Worthless Bastard loss, although he is playing the only team without a chance at the upper playoffs and has only managed 100 points 2 times in the last 8 games.

WORTHLESS BASTARDS:
He may have the best chance to make the uppers with a win.  He has 5 wins and 4 of them have come against teams that are battling for that final spot.  Only his youngest son keeps him from making that a clean sweep.  If Worthless wins and Haulin Ass loses, then Worthless should be in. 
SWAG:
SWAG needs to win, and he will be one of the three competing for that last spot.  If he does win, he needs notable losses by Haulin Ass and Worthless Bastards to make it.  He has the easiest path to be the top representative of his division but the hardest in head-to-head matchups against everyone else not in his division.  Way to make this easy SWAG.
OVERPRICED JACKASSES:
His head-to-head record against other 5-8 teams not in his division is not good.  He has one win against the other 4 players.  He obviously needs to win and really needs Worthless, Crankers and SWAG all to lose.  That would mean SYMTD wins and Overpriced has beaten her head-to-head, so he is in.  If Worthless wins, he needs Crankers and SWAG to lose and then it comes down to points, which does not look good for him.  It is not inconceivable but definitely challenging. 
SHOW ME YOUR TDs:
She really needs the most help.  She needs to win, Crankers needs to lose, Worthless needs to lose and Haulin Ass needs to win.  Long shot chance on this pony, but not out of the realm of possibility.
HAULIN ASS:
For having the lowest points on the year, his chances of making the upper playoffs, although very slim, are better than some.  He needs to win, which is a given, and then he needs both Crankers and SYMTD to lose.  If that happens, he will have beaten Worthless head-to-head and SWAG head-to-head landing him in the upper playoffs. 
CRANKERS:
Needs a win, a loss by SWAG and Worthless Bastards and I have a shot.  Anything else is just uncalled for.

LAST WEEK:
GAME OF THE WEEK:
CATCH22 122.1 (10-3) vs OVERPRICED JACKASSES 104.5 (5-8):
Overpriced Jackasses had won 5 in a row against Catch22 over the last couple of years.  Overpriced hasn’t had the strongest team last year or this year, but it has been good enough to topple our last year champ and current best record holder, but that came to an end last week, as Catch22 got his revenge and an opportunity to play for best record in the league and a first round bye.  Overpriced is relegated to the multitude of 5-8 teams all playing for one final playoff spot.   His chances, even with a win, are not guaranteed. 

RIVALRY GAME:
HAULIN ASS 119.5 (5-8) vs ACME SCOTT 106.3 (10-3):
Acme’s 8 game winning streak comes to an end.  Not that this mattered all that much for Acme, a win last week and this week’s game would have meant the same for him, but the loss allowed Haulin Ass a glimmer of hope.  He has a chance, and by looking at the numbers a better than some chance at making the upper playoffs.  Acme still sits in the title game this week for regular season supremacy, while Haulin will need to look for a win and sweat it out over 48 hours.

SICKLY GAMES:
SLIPPERY BOYS 155.9 (9-4) vs SHOW ME YOUR TDs 92.8 (5-8):
Slippery with the win and some key other situations has set himself up with a first round bye.  He can sit out the next two weeks and watch from the sidelines resting his players if Biss1 loses.  SMYTD is still in the hunt for an upper playoff spot but needs tons of help.  Of which, one of the biggest pieces of help will come from her husband; he needs to win for her to have a chance and yet Haulin Ass needs her to lose.  Let the fireworks
CRANKERS 82.8 (5-8) vs SWAG 82.2 (5-8):
This game will send one of us over the edge one of these years.  It took until after the final game was 0 minutes to play to determine who would win.  A late field goal put me up by 3.6, but we all know defenses don’t place final score until after the game is over, and the New England defense posted 3 extra points when the game was over giving me a .6-point victory.  This coupled with our first matchup which featured a final 10-yard catch by Mike Evans in the waning minute of the Monday night game to notch a .4-point victory for SWAG.  These two have played 7 times now and 3 of them have been within a point and 5 have been within 10 points.  When these two play, stay far far away from both, because sooner or later one of them is going to snap.  And had New England scored 4 points at the end instead of 3, that someone would most assuredly have been me.  COVID be damned I still waited until that game was over to see what my week mindset was going to be.  Turns out calm and collected because of .6 points.
UDDERGUYS 70.7 (4-9) vs BISS1 110.2 (8-5):
Udderguys is out of the equation.  The equation is rooted in calculus, and I am sure if I looked at it in a style of Steven Hawking, I could find a way for Udderguys to get in but that would include wormholes and alternate dimensions, and well my brain hurts from just writing this shit, so your out.  Biss1 meanwhile sets himself up for the penultimate game this week for division crown and a chance at a first round bye.  Surprisingly. 
WORTHLESS BASTARDS 127.2 (5-8) vs MARLBORO DROP 88.4 (7-6):
Worthless secures a chance at the upper playoffs with this latest victory.  While Marlboro is still sitting in the same position to win the division had he won the game.  So not really a big loss for him.  Marlboro has certainly put up some real stinkers this year, but he also has scored the 2^nd highest points in a week this season.  Let’s see who shows up next week.

PARADE OF KNOWNS:
This is really a foregone conclusion.  A miracle is needed for any change in these rankings changing.  Haulin Ass needs to outscore Udderguys by over 100 points to not take last, so I think this has been written in the record books.  But on the bright side, Haulin Ass has a chance to still make the upper playoffs.
HAULIN ASS – 1201.1:  Really just playing for an upper playoff spot.
UDDERGUYS – 1312.7:  If he scores north of 80 I think miracles are off the table.
SHOW ME YOUR TDs – 1349.0:  Really just eyeing the upper playoffs at this point.
UNHONORABLE MENTION:  BISS1 – 1374.9, CRANKERS – 1404.3, OVERPRICED JACKASSES – 1428.5

UPPER
1).  CATCH22
2).  SLIPPERY BOYS
3).  BISS1
4).  ACME
5).  MARLBORO
6).  WORTHLESS

LOWER
1).  SWAG
2).  CRANKERS
3).  OVERPRICED
4).  SHOW ME YOUR TDs
5).  HAULIN ASS
6).  UDDERGUYS

THIS WEEK:
GAME OF THE WEEK:
ACME SCOTT (10-3) vs CATCH22 (10-3) (12-5):
Game of the week, game of the season, game of the decade, rivalry game, on and on and on.  This game features arguably the two best teams in our league playing each other for division crown, best record in the league and first round bye.   The loser will have to play next week and risk not even placing, while the winner sits back and relaxes.  Catch22 got the best of this matchup the first time and currently retains the position of best record, but it all means nothing until after this week’s games are over.  Catch22 is defending his title strongly, but it’s still going to be a long next 48 hours.

RIVARLY GAME – Really game of the week number 2:
BISS1 (8-4) vs MARLBORO DROP (7-6) (1-2):
This is a final game for division crown.  Both are in the upper playoffs but one will be playing the only 6-8 team to make the upper playoffs, while the loser will take on a 10-win team of either Acme or Catch22.  I think wanting to win this game is of high importance to avoid that monster matchup next week.  There is a chance that if Biss1 wins he could still get the first-round bye, but his goal at this point should be to secure his own victory and win his division for the 2^nd year in a row.  Let the rest land where is lands.

SOMEONE IN HERE IS GOING TO BE HAPPY:
SLIPPERY BOYS (9-4) vs CRANKERS (5-8) (13-19-2):
WOW, these two have played a lot of times, and it is now upping one more.  Slippery Boys is the only known playoff bound team playing in a non-feature game this week, because he has absolutely nothing to play for.  Hear that – NOTHING… TO… PLAY… FOR!  He is cemented in the 2^nd overall seed for upper playoffs.  Which is a lie, because if he loses and Biss1 wins then he will be the number 3 seed.  But hey, I am banking on Slippery having ADHD and not reading past the “NOTHING TO PLAY FOR”. And him resting his players this week (which 58 points out of three of them kind of threw that out the window - asshole).  He must be thankful for not having to be in a tough division, as the rest of us in that division suck.  Our first meeting this year did not go as planned for me, and it broke a 7-game winning streak lasting over 5 years for me.  But alas all good things must come to an end.  Now I need to get a victory, a loss by SWAG, and Worthless, and Vecna must not awake from his coma and I have a chance of make the upper playoffs.
SHOW ME YOUR TDs (5-8) vs SWAG (5-8) (0-1):
Lose and go home, win and you could also go home, who knows.  SWAG, with no uncertain scenarios worked out, really needs a loss by Haulin and Worthless, while SMYTD needs losses by Overpriced, Crankers and Worthless.  Of course, there are a myriad of scenarios in which wins and losses will play out in someone’s favor, but these seem like the key losses for each.  First things first, win this week.  SWAG seems to have the stronger team, but he keeps taking it on the chin down the stretch.  Last week had to be the most brutal with his .6 loss.  {I will never get sick of saying that}.  SMYTD is riding a 4-game losing streak after nipping at the division lead earlier in the season.  SWAG is riding his own 3 game losing streak.  Wow and one of these two strong contenders could make the upper playoffs.  Can anyone say 1 and done.
HAULIN ASS (5-8) vs OVERPRICED JACKASSES (5-8) (12-15-1):
This is the 29^th time these two are going head-to-head, and outside the 4 playoff games they have played against each other has there been a game this big?  It is essentially a playoff game for both.  A loss and night night on upper playoffs.  A win, and much help is needed.  Overpriced in fact needs arguably the most help.  He needs Crankers, Worthless and SWAG all to lose to have a chance.  Of course there are scenario hell situations all over the place, but that seems the most likely route for Overpriced.  Haulin Ass meanwhile just seems to need a loss by his live-in bride oh and Crankers.
UDDERGUYS (4-9) vs WORTHLESS BASTARDS (5-8) (13-19):
Back when Udderguys had a team that was decent he beat Worthless Bastards putting him in this position of needing help to make the upper playoffs, while his demise down the stretch cost him the same chance.  This time, in what could be the final regular season matchup ever, between these two could prove to be the final marble on the floor to slip up Worthless Bastards.  Both are expressing their hatred for me and this league, so who knows what the future brings, but my guess is that a win by Worthless could make his season as he may just have a chance to make the upper playoffs.  A loss and we will almost assuredly find a new face for next year. 

WEEK 11: THEY’RE BACK!!! DIVISIONAL GAMES:

LAST WEEK:
GAME OF THE WEEK:
OVERPRICED JACKASSES 105.7 (5-6) vs MARLBORO DROP 113.3 (6-5):
In a rare feat for the game of the week, it was a good one.  Both teams needed to win, and in the end, Overpriced got nipped.  He drops below .500 and has work to do in his very tough division to be in the upper playoff picture.  Meanwhile Marlboro stays in first place trying to shake off Biss1.

RIVALRY GAME:
SWAG 89.4 (5-6) vs HAULIN ASS 93.2 (4-7):
Huh?  What just happened.  Haulin Ass has won his third straight?  SWAG looking to go into the divisional weeks, where he has some very good success, with a “W”, but instead lays an egg and loses to his rival Haulin Ass.  Haulin Ass is still just playing to score points as the season is winding down, but SWAG was playing for the division.  He has a big game this week and if he loses that, he will be cooked for the division and for a long shot first round bye.

MEH, MAYBE SOME GOOD ONES:
CRANKERS 81.5 (3-8) vs WORTHLESS BASTARDS 121.6 (4-7):
I was looking forward to having high points on the week since every team that Worthless plays scores big, but nope that didn’t work.  Worthless Bastards, by no surprise, gets the win.  Unfortunately for him he needed help to be strangely in the conversation for a division crown, and that didn’t happen.  Now he has a large uphill climb to win the division and make the playoffs, but it isn’t out of the question.  Crankers suck and their record proves it. 
SLIPPERY BOYS 95.9 (7-4) vs UDDERGUYS 67.2 (4-7):
Udderguys better start to score points in the coming weeks.  He is slipping fast, but still well enough ahead of Haulin Ass, but three more weeks in the 60s and trouble could be brewing.  Meanwhile, Slippery Boys has a commanding lead in his division and a win this week may just wrap it up for him. 
SHOW ME YOUR TDs 112.5 (5-6) vs ACME SCOTT 134.0 (9-2):
Acme Scott has finally shaken the monkey off his back and now owns the best record all by himself.  Another big scoring week sets SMYTD aside and he goes into the final divisional games with the lead.  Meanwhile SYMTD just took a huge blow to her chances at a division crown and the upper playoffs. What a wonderful brother-in-law. 
CATCH22 92.4 (8-3) vs BISS1 97.4 (6-5):
This one had to hurt Catch22.  He was riding high and had the best record in the league for a long time, but he has just dropped out of that position.  He is still almost guaranteed an upper playoff spot, but a first round bye is likely the goal he is eyeing.

THIS WEEK
GAME OF THE WEEK
SLIPPERY BOYS (7-4) vs SWAG (5-6) (0-5):
Do you realize that entering divisional games there is not a single game that features two team above .500.  So, this game is one of the more intriguing games this week even though SWAG is 5-6.  Slippery Boys is looking to be the first team to wrap up their division.  With a win today and some help he will have wrapped up the division and be in a good spot for a first round bye.  But Slippery has never beaten SWAG.  SWAG steamrolled his division the first three weeks, so this game does not look like a lock.  This is always a bipolar game for me.  One team will win, boo, and one team will lose, yea.  Go SWAG in a tight 31-30 game.   

RIVALRY GAME:
OVERPRICED JACKASSES (5-6) vs ACME SCOTT (9-2) (20-11):
This will be the 32^nd time these two will have played each other.  And as everyone knows, Acme does not fare well in this matchup.  Acme did win the last meeting earlier in the year and has best record, so he looks strong to continue that trend.  A win by Overpriced and Acme could be back in second again out of a first round bye.  For Overpriced a loss and things could look bleak.

OTHER DIVISIONAL FUN:
CRANKERS (3-8) vs SHOW ME YOUR TDs (5-6) (0-1):
In all the years that SMYTD has been playing I have never beaten her.  That is about to change to an even bigger number than 1 up to 2.  SMYTD has been scoring some points but keeps getting nipped.  It wasn’t too long ago, and she was in the divisional crown conversation.  That is long past.  For me I could still win the league if 11 teams in this league all forfeit.
HAULIN ASS (4-7) vs CATCH22 (8-3) (9-9):
This matchup is deadlocked at 9 apiece.  Until earlier in the year Haulin Ass had won 5 in a row, but that streak was broken in week 1.  Haulin Ass has somehow won 3 in a row while Catch22 just got done losing and dropping out of first place.  This game on paper looks to be a blow out in favor of Catch22, but Haulin Ass has not laid down yet and could wreak some havoc on the division.  Strangely, upper playoffs are not out of the question for him - yet.
UDDERGUYS (4-7) vs MARLBORO DROP (6-5) (3-4):
Now it’s Udderguys turn to win.  The back-and-forth series matchup has neither team with a 2-game winning streak.  Marlboro won the last one and now its Udderguys turn.  It is only fair.  But if that does happen, then Marlboro could be looking up in his division.  I still think Marlboro is going to win the division and likely blow this game out of the water setting that elusive 2 game winning streak between the two.
WORTHLESS BASTARDS (4-7) vs BISS1 (6-5):
Worthless is scoring points and as of last week, isn’t getting them scored as heavily against him.  There is a path here for a win by Worthless potentially sending him 1 game from first place with 2 to go.  There is a path with a loss, and he is out of the division crown equation and upper playoffs.  Worthless Bastards playoffs started last week.

WEEK 11: HOLIDAY SEASON IS UPON US:

It was a beautiful day yesterday.  The sun was out, the temperature was decent, my daughter’s 18^th birthday party was later in the day, so what a great time to get out and put up Christmas lights.  Get that task out of the way.  And I almost completed that task, 10 hours later.  Scrapped up legs, pinched fingers, broken lights everywhere, not enough outlets to cover all the plugins, and a blood pressure that could be measured via heat index.  I do this every year and have such an appreciation for those plug in projector lamps that are used to simulate that you worked your ass off.  I am getting old, and climbing around on a roof isn’t a fun jaunt of “Look mom, I ain’t afraid of heights” anymore.  It is now, a vertigo, wobbly leg step away from wondering why lights in December were ever invented.  Below is a list of the pleasantries of the 10-hour day yesterday (and I am still not done).
1).  It was a nice day, but windy, so when I put my blow ups up, I battled the feeling of being flown away in a hot air balloon trying to tie them down.
2).  The reindeer are disassembled; so, to put them together you must have your fingers pinched at least 8 times.  That is the way.
3).  You must hunt for the 43^rd extension cord used that has the one open plug, to only find out that the now permanently tied down deer, is just 6 inches short from making it reach that plug.
4). The hooks used to put the lights on the eves are old and keep snapping, having me keep replacing the hooks while hanging off the edge of the roof.
5). The eves are held up by brackets, that I believe were purposefully installed at every location that I tried to use a hook to put up the lights, forcing me to move the hook, and causing it to snap, which then I had to bring the lights back off the eve and put a new hook on while precariously hanging over the edge of the roof.
6).  The lights would work fine on the test run in the garage in which I took them to the roof, only for them to go out after I got the 17^th hook on them placing them around the fucking bracket that was always in the wrong spot, forcing me to replace the lights and everything else while having a chain linked to my nuts to make sure if I happened to fall of the roof, that It would nut me not allowing any chance of me having more kids that could go through this absolute heluations idea of a Christmas tradition.  Then repeat 4, 5 and 6 again.

I started yesterday with the temperature at almost 60 and ended in the dark with lights dangling from my roof and the neighbors hearing the far cries of fuck it, I am leaving them like that till April.

LAST WEEK:
GAME OF THE WEEK:
SHOW ME YOUR TDs 115.9 (5-5) vs CATCH22 139.4 (8-2):
Well that was short lived for SMYTD.  For the first time in a while, SMYTD knows what it feels like for a team to score more than 100 against her.  It is a loss.  Her brief stint at first place is over and she moves back into second looking up at our division top spot.  Catch22 remains the best team in the league with his 4 consecutive win, and winner of 7 out of the last 8.  His only loss in the last 8 games came in a game where he scored his highest points on the season.  If it weren’t for Acme Scott’s 6 game current winning streak, he would have the current best.  It sure feels like a show-down is brewing last game of the regular season. 

RIVALRY GAME:
SLIPPERY BOYS 135.4 (6-4) vs WORTHLESS BASTARDS 111.9 (3-7):
Well after all the hype, this one didn’t turn out to be close.  Slippery took a 20+ point victory home and now stands alone atop his division.  Meanwhile as surprising as it sounds, Worthless has the highest scoring team in his division and is not out of reach of making a go at the division.  He has a serious uphill battle but is only two games out of first.

SPOOKY GAMES:
CRANKERS 121.0 (3-7) vs ACME SCOTT 138.1 (8-2):
Another week and another loss with the most mediocre team in the league.  Middle in points, middle in points against, terrible record, team on paper that should do well, but doesn’t.  Decimated by injury I can now just enjoy watching the rest of you battle it out while I sit back drinking pina coladas not having to give a shit.  Acme on the other hand is in a dog fight.  He will likely make the upper playoffs with his shitty team and probably bow out week 1.  I phoned it in a while ago on writing this one.
SWAG 137.4 (5-5) vs MARLBORO DROP 121.8 (5-5):
Marlboro gave it a run but couldn’t sneak past the 50+ points from one player on SWAG’s team.  SWAG handles Marlboro’s run and gets back to .500 1 game back of first.  Meanwhile, Marlboro lost and stayed in first place.  It is anyone’s chance in his less than stellar division.  .500 is the top record in that division.  A tie for worst record in the league is only two games out.  This division will come down to the wire, and I would assume that only one team in that division will make the upper playoffs. 
HAULIN ASS 80.3 (3-7) vs UDDERGUYS 75.8 (4-6):
In this game for the ages, the two lowest scoring teams on the week play each other.  Their combined score might set a record for worst game point total for the ages.  Udderguys manages to lose ground on Haulin Ass yet is still only 1 game out of first.  Meanwhile Haulin Ass has won 2 in a row.  His chances at the upper playoffs are about as positive as my attitude on the season.
OVERPRICED JACKASSES 144.1 (5-5) vs 99.4 BISS1 (5-5):
In the “no shit dumbass” game of the week, Overpriced wins.  This game is eerily like the Marlboro SWAG game accept the score.  Overpriced trounces Biss1 and gets back to .500 as expected, meanwhile Biss1 loses and stays in first.  Overpriced at .500 has no chance at a division crown, Biss1 at .500 has a good chance of winning the division if he gets his shit straight.

PARADE PARADY:
Nothing is going to stop this freight train.  There are still 4 weeks left but this lead is about as lopsided as Super Bowl XXIV (24 for you guys that need help with Roman era numbering schemes) where San Francisco beat Denver 55 to 10.
HAULIN ASS – 924.0:  No leaving this spot.  He already has mapped out the parade route in town.
SHOW ME YOUR TDs – 1,036.1:  She stays as number two but keeps putting distance between her and her husband (please add “in bed”)
BISS1 – 1,057.7:  Overpriced finally leaves the ranks of the top 3 as expected.  He didn’t seem fit to be one of our top three, but Biss1 sure seems fit.  He is scoring in (what is the opposite of droves?).  Long way to go to be in our top spot, but this is why we play the games.
UNHONORABLE MENTION:  UDDERGUYS – 1,062.0, OVERPRICED JACKASSES – 1,089.5, CRANKERS – 1,125.9

THIS WEEK:
GAME OF THE WEEK:
OVERPRICED JACKASSES (5-5) vs MARLBORO DROP (5-5) (4-3):
I am going to use some stock speculation talk this week.  For these two I wouldn’t know what the hell to do, buy or sell.  They’re both like Exxon, which is an oil rich safe buy on the surface, but you just know behind the scenes someone is asleep at the helm.  Marlboro is in first place but just can’t seem to get a stronghold on the division.  If the season were younger, I would state he is fine, but there are just 4 weeks left and a misstep could cost him the division.  Overpriced meanwhile is just playing for the upper playoffs.  His recent whoa’s are haunting him, but he is still in a spot to make the upper playoffs.  A simple misstep at this point in the season will cost him.

RIVALRY GAME:
SWAG (5-5) vs HAULIN ASS (3-7) (3-3):
Haulin Ass just won two in a row.  Buy, buy, buy.  Sure, if this were Amazon or Oracle on their upswing, but alas it is not.  This is more like Meta, which had a 5-day run for the ages, and then reported their earnings and lost $232 billion of stock value in one day.  Haulin Ass has no business being in this conversation of winning against SWAG.  SWAG is second highest point scorer in the league (buy), while Haulin Ass is the least (sell).  But remember a Slippery team a mere two weeks ago with high points for point tally went up against Haulin Ass?  Yep, they got trounced by him.  So, Swag better be watching over his shoulder for the great depression is coming – and I don’t mean the plumber crack.

MEH, MAYBE SOME GOOD ONES:
CRANKERS (3-7) vs WORTHLESS BASTARDS (3-7) (13-16):
For the love of God sell on Crankers, they’re terrible, but hold on a bit for worthless Bastards.  They are only 2 games out of first and have the most points scored in their division.  On the surface it seems like a dog, and you should sell, but digging a bit deeper and looking at the environment around him, maybe you want to buy.  He has 4 straight weeks of average to well below average scoring teams to play, he has the 3^rd most points scored in the league, and is only two games out of first, there is a chance here.  He needs help and needs to win out, but I think I would take a flyer on this one and buy.  Again, sell Crankers all day, I’m Tesla after Musk went into the oval office.
SLIPPERY BOYS (6-4) vs UDDERGUYS (4-6) (15-12):
Sell everything on Udderguys, he lost to Haulin Ass last week.  And transfer it to Slippery Boys (who lost to Haulin Ass two weeks ago).  Slippery needs to watch over his shoulder as SWAG is in the rear-view mirror.  Those two will set up for a potentially intriguing matchup next week.  Udderguys which I emphatically will be selling, is still only 1 game out of first place.  A simple win or two and I will look like an idiot stating that Udderguys has no shot.  But I will stick to my stock plan, which is why I need to work until I am 90.
SHOW ME YOUR TDs (5-5) vs ACME SCOTT (8-2):
Acme Scott is like Wal-Mart.  A very safe bet but just can’t seem to get past Amazon at the top.  He is certainly a buy for the upper playoffs, but the division is eluding him.  SMYTD on the other hand is Apple iTunes.  10 years ago, “You mean I only pay $0.99, and I can buy that song to listen to any time?”, fast forward to today, “Why the hell aren’t you listening to Spotify or Pandora?”.  iTunes for music is not dead but its usefulness is waning quickly.  SMYTD is not out of the conversation for upper playoff spot or division crown, but a loss and she will quickly be forgotten.
CATCH22 (8-2) vs BISS1 (5-5) (1-0):
Buy Catch22, sell Biss1.  That is the only real conversation in this one.  It’s a no brainer.  If you are asked to go back 25 years and buy either Amazon or PetroChina I would hope you knew what to do.  Hint, have you heard of PetroChina?  They lost a $½ trillion in US market share, while Amazon – well you get the picture.  I think you know which is representing which above.  

WEEK 10: IT WAS A GOOD WEEK:

Last week was a bit of a tough week.  Earlier this week I went out for breakfast and ended up with more food on me than in me.  Food covered my clothes and beard as I sat at the table; the waitress handed me the bill and cleared my plates.  She looked me up and down, turned toward the kitchen and for a minute I was mortified that she was going to come back with a damp towel.  After I sauntered up to dutifully pay my bill, I had to run home to change so I didn’t go to work looking like a Jackson Pollack painting.  And yet I smiled.

I drove to work on Tuesday and hit every light on red.  It was as if there was a person manning the stop light controls and forcing them to turn red as I got closer.  I saw a light turn green as I was approaching and I swear the light switched straight to red (no yellow) right when I got up to it but not close enough that I could run it (so about a mile away).  And yet I smiled. 

I had been told that protein bars are good substitutes for unhealthy snacks, so I thought I would try a few out.  On Thursday, with my calendar full of high-level meetings, I started to experience the gurgle squirts.  That’s where your stomach starts to bubble over like a boiling pot of water, and you have less than 3.5 seconds to make it to the toilet.  I spent most of the day on Thursday wondering when “the big one” was going hit.  And yet I smiled.

I lost both my NFL picks meaning I have lost somewhere around 274 games in a row.  And yet I smiled.

I ordered TaylorMade irons, but FedEx marked them as delivered and photographed the package at a different address. I had to spend a day worrying about who had my package of the most expensive items I have ever bought online.  And yet I smiled.

See below to determine why I had such a good week despite what may seem like a below average tale.

LAST WEEK:
GAME OF THE WEEK:
ACME SCOTT 120.2 (7-2) vs MARLBORO DROP 109.8 (5-4):
Acme got the win as expected in their win, loss, win, loss mathematical equation and kept the pattern alive.  Nothing changed for these guys.  It’s as if they never played.  Marlboro is still in first, and Acme Scott is still in second in his division and the league.  The only difference now is a minor head-to-head matchup decision that favors Acme Scott. 

RIVARLY GAME:
OVERPRICED JACKASSES 105.1 (4-5) vs WORTHLESS BASTARDS 141.9 (3-6):
What is wrong with you Overpriced?  Your team must be broken.  That is the lowest number of points against Worthless Bastards any team has scored on the season.  It’s as if you didn’t even try.  Insult-to-injury, Worthless scored the greatest number of points on the week.  Wow this league is screwed up.  Outside of currently owning the record for least number of points scored against Worthless and losing ground to Haulin Ass in overall points, Overpriced also fell below .500 and needs some help to get back into relevancy in an impossibly tough division.  He is likely just playing for an upper playoff spot as the division is pretty much out of reach.  And as for Worthless Bastards, his division hopes were a whisp in the wind 5 years ago.

THE SCARY REST:
CRANKERS 89.1 (3-6) vs CATCH22 132.0 (7-2):
This was a throttling.  My team is terrible to begin with and then layer on that of my 16 players 15 of them were on a bye, I had no chance.  Catch22 scored above average points, and if it weren’t for whoever played SYMTD I would have had the worst points.  This game didn’t even need to be played as it was over before it began.
SWAG 111.2 (4-5) vs UDDERGUYS 133.2 (4-5):
Udderguys first ever victory over SWAG, helped create a vision for him of making the upper playoffs.  SWAG remains competitive in his division thanks to the ineptitude of Slippery Boys but lost ground in head-to-head matchups, which could hurt him later.   Udderguys just crept a bit closer in his division with the toilet swirling of Marlboro Drop.
SLIPPERY BOYS 117.5 (5-4) vs HAULIN ASS 121.5 (2-7):
And yet I smiled!
SHOW ME YOUR TDs 116.2 (5-4) vs BISS1 75.2 (5-4):
Once this week was over, both teams come out in first place.  Can we just agree that from here on out, whoever is playing SMYTD, you try to start a team that scores more than 10 points.  Because her last 4 opponents including Biss1 have not figured out her defense yet.  SMYTD claims a spot for first, which baffles me and Biss1 stays in first which baffles me.  I keep making bets on NFL teams, that baffles Vegas as they wonder why I keep handing over money to them.

PARADE PARADE:
The season is winding down but there is still enough time left for movement.  For the first time Haulin Ass has shown signs of life.  But as of the time of this writing, those signs of life have died off.  His Thursday didn’t fare all that great.
HAULIN ASS – 843.7:  He had a solid week last week and made-up ground on number 2 and number 3, but he needs a lot more weeks like that to make a dent.  Right now, he is 75 points clear of number 2.  He needs help.
SHOW ME YOUR TDs – 920.2:  Lost a bit of ground, yet manages to gain a share of first place.  What the hell is wrong with this league?
OVERPRICED JACKASSES – 945.4:  He likely won’t be in this equation the rest of the year, so just fun seeing him sit here for yet another week.
UNHONORABLE MENTION:  BISS1 – 958.3, Udderguys – 986.2, Crankers – 1,004.9

THIS WEEK:
GAME OF THE WEEK:
SHOW ME YOUR TDs (5-4) vs CATCH22 (7-2) (0-0):
This game is so strange for me.  Catch22 is leading the league, racking up the points with a slightly above average season.  He is 8^th in points against and 4^th in points for which would show he should have some wins, but he is 7-2 mowing down his opponents and marching toward a chance to defend his title (Let’s face it he did have a bye last week).  Meanwhile, SYMTD is in FIRST.  That’s right, she is in first place in her division (thanks to her husband).  But let’s break that down.  Everyone is afraid of her.  In the last 4 weeks, not a single team has scored more than 85 against her.  Worthless Bastards has yet to see an opposing team score less than 105 and she doesn’t even have an opposing team get into the 90s in over a month.  But I would assume that Catch22 isn’t afraid of some little girl and will steal this one away.  Shit I better reword that before I initiate an amber alert on Catch22 – again.

RIVALRY GAME:
SLIPPERY BOYS (5-4) vs WORTHLESS BASTARDS (3-6) (17-13):
Looking at this one on the surface you probably ask yourself is Crankers okay.  Is he losing his marbles, these two aren’t rivals.  They’re friendly neighbors whom people have visions of them wearing Dutch attire while skipping through the fields hand in hand.  But underneath there are some bitter rivalry tendencies.  This game features two teams who are playing for the 31^st time with 11 of them being close.  Slippery has won 5 out of 6 but 3 of them were close and 1 featured Worthless Bastards scoring over 155 and losing.  Must be some hard feelings.  Actually, these two probably are going to log on at some point tomorrow and see they are playing the other and state, ‘Oh look I’m playing {the other one}, that should be fun’ and ignore the internet until Monday.

SPOOKY GAMES:
CRANKERS (3-6) vs ACME SCOTT (7-2) (10-16):
Here we have a potential rivalry game, but by record it is not, both in season and overall.  At one point I lost 7 in a row to my prick brother.  But as of late I did win 1 in a row against him to get back on track.  Acme Scott is tied with best record but is solidly in 2^nd in the league AND his division due to his loss to Catch22 earlier this year.  Yes, that will keep showing up until you two play each other again or one of you loses.  I in the meantime am tied for the who gives a shit team of the year.
SWAG (4-5) vs MARLBORO DROP (5-4) (4-3):
Ooooo this is a good sneaky game to watch, if it weren’t for the fact SWAG has shit the bed in the last 6 weeks (1-5 in that time frame).  SWAG has fallen out of first after sweeping the division but a win this week and he is solidly back in the conversation for upper playoffs, division relevancy, and my ire.  Marlboro on the other hand seems to not want to take control of his division.  He continues his up and down season but stays in first place tied with a team who scored 75 last week.  He looks like the team to beat in his division, but he must shake this 2024 runner up hangover he has been dealing with.  Last year Marlboro squeaked by SWAG to gain a championship game bid, which he promptly lost.  This could be a sneaky revenge good game.
HAULIN ASS (2-7) vs UDDERGUYS (4-5) (14-16):
This game features another set of teams playing for the 31^st time.  Their head-to-head record is closer than our current rivalry game, but the difference between the two games is that in 30 games played only 6 have been close.  When they play there doesn’t seem to be any fireworks as the game is over in the first 3 minutes of the Sunday noon games.  The last time they produced a memorable game was 2022 where Udderguys won by .5 and before that a close game didn’t present itself until 2019.  I expect Udderguys to win by 90.  At least last week Haulin Ass got the one win I wanted him to get.
OVERPRICED JACKASSES (4-5) vs BISS1 (5-4) (3-1):
This “middle of the pack” game is a sneaky good game to watch.  Biss1 is in first somehow hanging around, while Overpriced is completely out of the division equation but hanging around for upper playoffs.  A win by Biss1 and Overpriced may be sunk.  A win by Overpriced and everyone will have won the bet on this game, as I think we all agree Overpriced will move back to .500.

FUN LITTLE ARTICLE:
I read online that a company in Canada ranked the 50 states in order of zombie apocalypse sustainability.  As you can imagine the populous states = bad for zombieability, (poor, New Jersey, New York, Illinois, and California), while less populous states you have a chance to run from the dead (yeah to Alaska, Maine, Wyoming, and Idaho), and finally the states that have the most food per person to offer (Wisconsin is fucked).  What was more interesting is that the Canadian company did this study because over 10% of the US population believes there will be a zombie apocalypse in the future.  And half of those think it will happen in the next 10 – 15 years.  I really need to lose some weight.  If a zombie apocalypse does occur, it is not about how fast you can run, but rather are you skinnier than the guy next to you.