I would like to start off this article on a personal note.  Last Friday I was at Lourdes Camden for a cardiac ablation and I just wanted to say that you got a first-rate staff there.  All the nurses and orderlies were so nice and Dr. Garg patiently explained the procedure to my family.  Oh, course I lent my humor to the situation.  I instructed the anesthesiologist to make sure I wake up.  He assured me he would because he didn’t want to fill out the paperwork if I didn’t.  If you have the opportunity to extend my thanks for their dedication please do so, great people doing great work!

Ok, let’s begin the execution…

There are unwritten rules in all sports.  In baseball you don’t bunt if the opposing pitcher is throwing a no-hitter or a perfect game.  In football, if you’re beating a team and they have no more time-outs you run the “kneel-down” play.  In basketball it’s the same principle, you don’t score if you’re up 10 points with 3 seconds left in the game. 

Every owner wants to win their fantasy league.  That’s why you play but even in fantasy football there are unwritten rules.  You don’t take advantage of the mentally challenged in a trade.  Gerry codified that with the “Retard Rule”.  Put in your lineup every week, also a rule in our league.  But I think the most important unwritten rule is “You don’t go after other owner’s handcuffs”.  If you like the situation with that team DRAFT THE FUCKING STARTER. 

Well, we have one owner that apparently doesn’t subscript to that unwritten rule.  This weapons grade re-tart actually gets other owners handcuffs instead of his own.  Now you might think that this strategy has more holes in it than a gold-digger’s diaphragm but in years that you have a lot of injuries you will be flush. Tom actually drafted three handcuffs from other owner’s team (21% of his drafted team is other owner’s handcuffs).  We all know he has Jordan Mason but he also drafted Zach Charbonnet and Kenneth Gainwell.  Hey Tom, draft your own fucking handcuffs.  Why didn’t you go after Jamaal Williams or Tyrone Tracy.  Because you’re that pig-fucker that asks the widow at her husband’s funeral if she’s busy next Saturday night.  I hope Rex brought his Barrett MK22 MRAD sniper riffle to that fucking retreat and pops you a new asshole right between your eyes…

Let’s get to the games…

Coach got tea-bagged by the Lady Hawks this week riding on a monster game by James Cook (who is the only player on her team that I like).  Coach was looking good half way through the 4:00 games until the Raiders remembered they have a stud receiver playing for them.  Don’t worry Coach, you’re playing me this week which almost guarantees you a double.

The boss was sitting back with his Patron margarita thinking he had this in the bag.  None of my 1:00 players did anything and Breece Hall was having a game.  Couple that with Hurts waiting in the wings, he must have felt good.  Unfortunately for Bob the Cardinals had a day and I got a two-bagger.  You got a good team boss.  Hang in there.

Did you guys see the Thursday night game.  Tua went down and Buffalo had the game well in hand.  However, Buffalo found themselves on Miami’s 35? with like 4 minutes left so they tried a field goal.  Tyler Bass missed so bad it was like his anal plug short circuited during the attempt.  That’s fucked up because that was a 4-point swing for me and I knew that was going to cost me this week.  As it stands it cost me a high score.  I think as a player you have to give your all when you’re on the field.  Not giving your all is like a whore that walks out on you before you can unload on her forehead.  You just don’t do that…

Well Tommy Handcuffs had the player of the week.  Kamara went off on the Cowboys.  Tommy actually drafted Kamara.  It cost him $9.00 and a bathroom trick in a gay bar.  Surprisingly Gerry’s team didn’t do well this week.  That’s ok Ger, at least you have your dignity…

Paulie outlasted Junior in what I think was the surprise of the week.  Richardson had a piss poor game and who know what the long-term effects will be on Hill without Tua.  Paulie’s victory was costly as Kupp will be out for a few weeks.  And how about Mark Andrews?  Between him and Kelce it’s like an infestation of mediocracy. You might have to get rid of him like a teenage girl with a yeast infection…

The Big Dawg slips by Girlfriend with a last-minute performance from Barkley, Smith and London.  With none of his players doing anything before Monday night, Rex’s asshole was so tight he couldn’t pass a greased bee-bee but with Smith and London getting a TD and Barkley’s performance (less the dropped pass…don’t get me fucking started) was enough to put Beth back in the kitchen.  Better luck next week…

What the fuck did I tell you about Kelce.  Do you think he wants to play football now???  Jesus Christ Kev, you have to start listening to me…You are 0-4 and your team is so ugly if it was a vagina it would look like Willy Nelson eating a cheesesteak.  Time to reposition your team…

So, you can’t teach the bible in public schools but you can teach that a man can have a baby…Hmmm

ECG