CNN (December 2, 2025)

(Louisville, KY)

The Louisville Losers season is quickly fading like the sun after 5:30 pm in December. The storied franchise is in the midst of another historic collapse as they go from owning the best record in the RFL at 8-3 just a few weeks ago to almost certainly not making the playoffs once they complete their 3-game in-division losing streak with a 90-point blowout to Shank next week. 

"This is big," GM and owner Jason Seber said, sipping his morning coffee whilst taking in the beautiful calming views of the first snowfall of the year in Louisville, trying not to have a complete meltdown. "We've had plenty of years of sucking, of starting out promising and then disappointing everyone, but never have we fallen so far from glory." A tear streams down Seber's face and drips in his mug, adding a bitter taste of defeat to his cup of joe.

"This is an historic collapse! This is up there with all the Browns teams of the late 80s. This is up there with the Cavs last season. This is up there with the Guardians getting smoked by the Tigers after winning 1,204 games in a row to end the season, including destroying the Tigers. In fact, this might be worse than all the Cleveland sports teams in their final games of the postseason in my lifetime put together, minus game 7 of the 2016 NBA Finals. It's that bad. I am deeply ashamed that we are ONCE AGAIN going to be competing in the Seber Bowl."

When asked why he thinks his team declined so much, Seber quickly offered a thought or two. "Oh, I don't know. Could it be that Emeka Egbuka went from Rookie of the Century to a guy who catches 4 passes a week for 40 yards and no more TDs?? Could it be that Baker suddenly sucks? Or actually, it's probably more likely that not a single tight end we ever pick, or pick up, or replace an injured tight end with ever amounts to LITERALLY ANYTHING!!! Oh no, wait. It's actually none of those. It's because we listened to all the 'experts' and wasted our first round pick on Ashton Jeanty. Did we REALLY think that the Raiders were going to not go 3 and out on every single drive all season? Except when they played the Browns of course."

Seber is clearly razzled by the dismay of his team's steady and steep decline. He could be seen reaching for yet another bottle of bourbon to add "texture" to his coffee as he contemplated selling his 2010 Mazda to help cover all of his RFL fees he will owe at the end of this year of incredible disappointment and heartache.