WEEK 12 RECAP INTRO

Week 12 kicked in the front door like it had something to prove. Playoff races tightened, pretenders were exposed, and one team dropped a point total so ridiculous the league app briefly smoked. Records shifted, hearts broke, and Shotty… well… we’ll get to that.

Buckle up. This one was messy.

WEEK 12 GAME RECAPS

Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (260.82) def. The Shottenheimers (158.29)
Shotty put up 158 and somehow still got turned into fantasy dust. Jahmyr Gibbs detonated for 74.40 points, Emanuel Wilson went wild, JSN dropped 42, and Michael Wilson decided to join the party. This wasn’t a game. It was a national emergency. Hunka sets the all-time league scoring record and doesn’t even break a sweat.

Coach Brian: “We didn’t run up the score. The score ran up to us.”

Droppin’ Deuces (129.06) def. Buffalo Soldier (83.88)
Deuces stacked points while Buffalo Soldier quietly filed for relocation to the consolation bracket. Drake Maye managed the game, Derrick Henry and Judkins combined for four touchdowns, and Davante went full end-zone menace. Dave got a nice game from Brissett and Jason Myers… and then a whole lot of sadness.

Coach Brad: “We may be Deuces, but this week we were flush.”

Jobu Needs a Refill (147.86) def. Red Zone Assassins (109.02)
John’s squad put up a respectable fight, but Purdy’s three picks and a string of “meh” performances dragged the Assassins down. On the other side, Hurts smashed, AJ Brown dominated, and Ashton Jeanty looked like a cheat code. Jobu officially shakes off last week’s hangover and dives back into the playoff mix.

Coach Rich: “Jobu has new rum. Opponents have new problems.”

Cranjis McBasketball (109.86) def. Steel Curtain (98.72)
Steel Curtain came back to Earth hard after riding the Josh Allen rocket last week. Allen threw two picks, the RBs were fine but not scary, and the ceiling never showed up. Cranjis didn’t explode, but Hunt turned into a volume monster, Gainwell balled out, and the Steelers D chipped in a touchdown. Quiet win, big implications.

Coach Jackson: “I have no idea what I’m doing, but it’s working.”

CRUSHERS (152.62) def. Romulan Warbirds (72.40)
This was less a matchup and more a mercy rule waiting to happen. Stafford dealt, Chase Brown pounded out yards, Rashee Rice went off, and the Browns D buried the stat sheet under 10 sacks. The Warbirds answered with a couple decent lines and then a chorus of zeros. It was over before Dennis could even open the app.

Coach Chuck: “We crushed. It’s literally the name.”

Fighting Jive Turkeys (165.43) def. The Year (112.75)
The Turkeys just keep making people miserable. Mahomes shredded, Etienne scored, DJ Moore double-dipped in the end zone, and Trey McBride continued his Pro Bowl audition. Neil got strong work from CMC, Javonte, and Parker Washington, but rolling out a bye-week Herbert at QB is… a choice.

Coach Connor: “Playoff mode: engaged. Mercy: disabled.”

WEEK 12 AWARDS

Weekly Crown  — Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (260.82)
New league scoring record. The scoreboard is filing a workplace harassment complaint.

Stud of the Week — Jahmyr Gibbs (74.40 pts, Hunka)
219 rushing yards, three total touchdowns, and the spiritual destruction of an entire franchise.

Dumpster Fire of the Week — Romulan Warbirds (72.40)
Too many zeroes, not enough liftoff. The Bird never left the runway.

Lineup Blunder  — Justin Herbert (0.00 pts, The Year)
Starting a quarterback on bye in Week 12 is an avant-garde strategy. Results were… interpretive.

Upset of the Week  — Cranjis McBasketball over Steel Curtain
Top-tier Curtain gets clipped by Cranjis at exactly the wrong time. Playoff seeding chaos intensifies.

Power Rankings – Week 12

1. Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (8–4) — King of points, king of chaos.
2. Fighting Jive Turkeys (8–4) — No team wants this smoke in December.
3. CRUSHERS (7–5) — When they hit, they hit like a truck.
4. Cranjis McBasketball (7–5) — Peaking with just enough madness to be terrifying.
5. Steel Curtain (7–5) — From holy terror to “please don’t hurt us” in one week.
6. Jobu Needs a Refill (7–5) — The rum is back. So is the offense.
7. Droppin’ Deuces (6–6) — Fully in “dangerous wildcard” territory.
8. Red Zone Assassins (5–7) — Never dead, always chaotic.
9. The Shottenheimers (5–7) — Scored 158 and still got obliterated. Therapy suggested.
10. Romulan Warbirds (5–7) — Bijan cannot carry this entire starship forever.
11. The Year (4–8) — Running backs elite, decision-making… confusing.
12. Buffalo Soldier (3–9) — Season on hospice, memes on life support.

Closing Thought 

Week 12 reminded us: Sometimes you can do everything right and still run into a historic flamethrower. His name is Jahmyr Gibbs. If you faced him, thoughts and prayers. If you roster him, enjoy the view from orbit.