Welcome back to another edition of Fantasy Football Pandemic, where good decisions are rare, bad decisions are plentiful, and the only thing consistent is Gerry’s ability to disappoint. Week 2 was a carnival of blown trades, wasted budgets, lucky escapes, and painful collapses. So, grab your popcorn — here’s who thrived, who choked, and who should probably quit the league and take up pickleball.

PACK vs TA3

One Man Wolf Pack (75.60) def. 3M TA3 (37.28)

The Pack absolutely mauled TA3, and honestly, it wasn’t even fun to watch. 75 points is nothing special, but when Paulie’s bad decisions follow him like the Green Goblin Mask in Spiderman, mediocrity looks like a masterpiece.

Eat Me’s team is more ass than a Pixar mom.   Paulie posted 37 points. Thirty-seven. That’s not a fantasy score — that’s a halftime box score for the New York Liberty. It’s almost impressive to be this bad, like his brain was functioning at a level lower than Tua taking a SAT.

Mike improves to 2–2, while Paulie falls to 2–2 with all the momentum of a car with no gas. Someone tell Paulie that you can’t win fantasy games with vibes and backup tight ends.

KEY vs JBY

Joe Buck Yourself (98.20) def. Keydets (75.60)

Coach fought hard, but when you’re going against Kevin, “hard” doesn’t cut it. The Keydets had a respectable showing — 75 points, decent output.  However, he can’t get his receivers going.  Brian Thomas Jr. is a stud receiver unfortunately they can’t get him the ball.  The Jacksonville offensive line gets penetrated more than Bonnie Blue when the rent is due so that Chad Powers look alike they have for a QB can’t find him.

The Rookie flexed on the league this week, dropping 98 points and reminding everyone why he’s sitting at 3–1. Kickers, receivers, running backs, everyone chipped in. (I’m so glad that kickers don’t matter, Spencer is 25^th in scoring for the WHOLE league.  Please tell Gerry you’re a dick and let’s move on…) It was balanced, efficient, and boringly good — which is the fantasy football equivalent of missionary with the lights off. Effective, but nobody’s bragging about it.

Coach sits at 2–2, floating in that purgatory where you’re not good enough to scare anyone but not bad enough to be funny. Kevin, meanwhile, is 3–1 and already giving off smug playoff-energy vibes. We all hate you, and we’re not afraid to say it.

DAWG vs BALL

Big Dawg (72.44) def. The Ballerinas (65.32)

This matchup was like watching two drunk gay guys slap fight in a parking lot. Ugly, slow, and nobody left impressed.

Rex pulled out the win thanks to Hurts and Robinson doing exactly what they were supposed to do. No fireworks, no miracles, just solid production. Sometimes being boring works.

Meanwhile, The Boss… 65 points? Really? Com’ on Bob, you got beat worst than a middle school boy that just discovered Porn Hub.

Rex moves to 3–1, quietly looking like a threat while not even breaking a sweat. The Ballerinas drop to 2–2, and if this is their best foot forward, they’re more Swan Lake than Fantasy Champs.

RVNT vs SMYT

The Revenant (81.64) def. Show Me Your TDs (71.78)

The Revenant lives up to the name — he refuses to die. An 81-point outing isn’t going to make SportsCenter, but it was enough to send Camel Toe to a 0–4 start.

Mc Homo did his part for Brian unfortunately his receivers are like “Make a Wish” kids trying to catch a pass.  They looked great on draft day but now it looks like they lick windows…

Meanwhile, Tom is 2–2 and hanging around like a social disease that won’t go away. Nobody’s scared of him, but nobody wants to be the one that loses to him either.

ECG vs HAWK

Evil Chess Geek (110.66) def. Luck Be A Lady Hawk (97.48)

Finally, a real game. ECG flexed hard this week, putting up 110 points and reminding the league that sometimes drafting actual talent pays off.

Doll Face wasn’t bad either. 97 points would’ve beaten half the league this week, but against ECG, she would have had better luck getting Trump to release the files. Lady Luck clearly ghosted Mary Annis, probably because she swiped right on someone with an actual win streak.

Both teams put on a show, but ECG walks away 2–2 with momentum, while Hawk slumps to 1–3 and is dangerously close to becoming back up booty…

HOF vs SI

Sugar Islanders (101.64) def. HOF Commish (72.74)

Commish, buddy, we need to talk. You’re 0–4. and this week was just more of the same disappointing production, a 72-point “effort” that was about as inspiring as the Purple Penis Eaters on the Minnesota sidelines.  Now Joe Cool is out for the year and your offense is called The Holy Ghost because no one has seen it at all.  If there is anyone that needs a trade it’s you.  I bet right about now you would walk through Diddy’s basement mid freak-off fully lubed and gaged to go back in time and win that bid for Josh Allen.  Good luck, you’re going to need it…

Sugar Islanders, on the other hand, are quietly 3–1 and looking dangerous. Their roster is balanced, their stars are producing, and they made Gerry look like he was playing Dungeons and Dragons while everyone else is playing Madden.

At this point, Commish’s only role in the league is comic relief. It’s bad enough to be 0–4, but the way he’s losing? It’s like watching someone try to swim with cinder blocks tied to their ankles. Painful, slow, inevitable.

Until Next Week…

Where your opinions are welcomed but not always listened to…

ECG