Every fantasy league has its myths and legends, but rarely do they play out in real time like this. Gerry thought he could get away with bragging about his past playoff appearances and Super Bowl rings. Newsflash, Commish: just like segregation, that shit is in the past.   By that logic, the boss should have a ticker tape parade at the HEC. But Gerry strutted around like he was the Vince Lombardi of mediocrity, and Doll Face decided enough was enough.

Enter: the Hex. With a flick of mascara and a whispered curse, Doll Face summoned something darker than a satanic cult prayer circle. Suddenly, Joe Burrow’s leg was held together with dental floss, Gerry’s auction “studs” looked like JV scrubs, and every decision he made turned into a pumpkin. The man went from cocky to cursed faster than Antonio Brown can get kicked out of an Uber.

But while Gerry was battling witchcraft, our reigning champion was busy creating his own scandal. It turns out his team’s collapse wasn’t bad luck, bad drafting, or even Doll Face’s hex — nope, the champ has been snorting Tylenol. Not Advil, not something respectable like Sudafed… Tylenol. Turns out chasing extra-strength acetaminophen up your nostrils doesn’t give you roster clarity; it just gives you the fantasy equivalent of CTE. If Brian made a drunk video crying and begging his ex to take him back 3:00 in the morning he wouldn’t regret it more than that abortion he called a draft.

So here we are in Week 3: Gerry’s cursed, the champ’s an addict, and the rest of us are caught in the fallout. Welcome to the most entertaining fantasy football season yet.

Matchup Roasts – Week 3 Results

Luck Be A Lady Hawk (71.10) vs Big Dawg (100.34)

The Big Dawg flexed again, moving to 5–1 while Doll Face stumbled to a sad 1–5. Hawk’s lineup looked like it was held together with duct tape and prayer candles, while Dawg just unleashed his auction studs like it was casual Friday. At this point, Mary Annis has about as much “luck” as a gambler betting their mortgage on the Jets. Dawg, meanwhile, keeps proving you don’t need voodoo, just players who actually score points.

HOF Commish (59.92) vs The Revenant (83.82)

Gerry falls to 0–6. That’s not a typo. Zero. Wins. This isn’t tanking; this is performance art. His team couldn’t outscore a middle school JV squad if you spotted them Justin Jefferson. Tommy, on the other hand, keeps doing just enough —he is the human equivalent of a participation trophy. Still, a win is a win, and at 4–2, Revenant’s sitting pretty while Commish is basically the Washington Generals of the league.

One Man Wolf Pack (100.52) vs Show Me Your TDs (41.76)

This wasn’t a matchup; it was a crime scene. Junior doubled Camel Toe’s score and left them sprawled out like roadkill. Brian is now 0–6, making Commish look competitive by comparison. Scoring 41.76 points in a full week is the kind of stat line that should come with a refund request. Michael, meanwhile, is quietly building momentum, and at 4–2, they’re lurking like the drunk uncle who suddenly dominates beer pong at Thanksgiving.

Joe Buck Yourself (80.96) vs 3M TA3 (78.72)

Ah, the heartbreak game. Paulie loses by just 2.24 points — the fantasy football equivalent of tripping at the finish line of a marathon and watching Joe Buck call the replay in slow motion. Kevin didn’t even look that impressive but still moved to 5–1, proving that sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Paulie drops to 3–3, which is the perfect record for a team that screams “I’ll finish 7th place.”

Sugar Islanders (76.74) vs Keydets (58.98)

Coach put up fewer than 60 points, which is the fantasy equivalent of leaving your oven on all night: it’s embarrassing, dangerous, and you should feel bad about it. Girlfriend didn’t exactly light up the scoreboard, but when your opponent rolls out a dumpster fire, even 76 points looks elite. Beth moves to 5–1 and Keydets slide to 2–4, making them the “yeah, but” team of the league. (“Yeah, but I had injuries.” “Yeah, but my QB was hurt.” No one cares, bro.)

To be fair Coach did try to improve his team with trade proposals this week.  Rumor had it that he had deals on the table with Gerry and The Geeks were oh so close to closing a blockbuster.  However, at the last-minute Coach pulled the deals off the table.  Something changed with Bob.  He was always in for a deal or two during the season but now he is stricken with fear and doubt.  Coach I just want to leave you with this…procrastination is like masturbation, it’s awesome until you realized you just fucked yourself…

Evil Chess Geek (79.78) vs The Ballerinas (74.82)

This was the “battle of who could care less.” ECG ekes out the win with fewer than 80 points, while Ballerinas trip over their own tutus with 74.82. ECG climbs to 4–2, but let’s be real — this wasn’t a triumph, it was just surviving. Ballerinas are now 2–4 despite outscoring half the league on the season. They’re like that student who gets straight A’s on tests but forgets to turn in the homework. Brutal.

Closing Thoughts

Week 3 was all chaos: Doll Face proved witchcraft is real, Gerry found out hubris is deadly, and our champ is riding the Tylenol Express straight to irrelevance. Meanwhile, Rex, Kevin, and Beth look like actual contenders, Tom and I are hanging around, and the bottom-feeders (Gerry, Camel Toe and Mary Annis) are battling for the coveted Toilet Bowl crown.

If this is how Week 3 looks, I can’t wait to see who gets cursed next.

Until next week,

Where your comments are welcomed but not always listened to…

ECG