Welcome, gentlemen, degenerates, disappointment factories, and Kevin—our emerging God-Emperor of Unstoppable Rampage. Another week in the VFFL has wrapped, leaving behind the usual debris: shattered dreams, butcher-papered testicles, and an infestation of mediocracy unlike anything this league has seen since… well, last week. Normally I’d try to cushion the blows with humor, but let’s be honest: by Week 10, everyone here deserves the full blast setting of the sarcasm flamethrower.

Let’s recap the carnage.

GERRY’S PILGRIMAGE TO GREEN BAY: THE JOSH JACOBS MIRACLE

The headline of Week 10 is undeniably the suspicious, borderline-religious experience that happened in Green Bay. Gerry—yes, that Gerry, the man who looks like he’s in a constant state of trying to remember whether he left the stove on—went on a spiritual journey to Lambeau Field to personally coach Josh Jacobs.

Rumor has it he approached Jacobs like some wandering fantasy hermit and whispered:

“Son, you need to shut this down like a public school for the arts.”

Jacobs—confused, terrified, and certain this man had someone locked up in his basement—responded by delivering actual points. Real, living, breathing fantasy points. Enough to beat the average and hand Gerry a win that is, quite frankly, a small accomplishment but it’s still a sign of the apocalypse.

Green Bay locals reported that afterwards Jacobs bent over in pain, whispering “I’m going into anti-phyletic shock.”
Doctors have not ruled out emotional contamination from prolonged Gerry exposure.

ECG: THE TRADE THAT CURSED A GENERATION

Now let’s talk about ECG—Evil Chess Geek—who managed to lose a winnable matchup against Beth because of the unholy, Larry-Krasner-approved trade he made with Coach weeks ago.

Let’s be crystal clear: ECG didn’t just lose.
He got folded, spindled, and wrapped his balls were wrapped up in butcher paper and put in her purse.

The score:
Sugar Islanders 94.80
ECG 85.44

The aftermath:
A grown man whispering “Is there anything she can’t do? Foreplay? Direct sunlight?” while staring at his roster like it personally wronged him.

And the best part?

Everyone told ECG this would happen. Everyone. But like some kind of weapons-grade re-tart determined to prove Darwin wrong, he pushed forward anyway, trading away stability, talent, and his self-respect. The gods saw the trade, smirked, and carved the loss into stone tablets.

This was a matchup ECG should have won.
Instead, it was a tug-of-war with a Hummer using only his testicles.

Coach should be arrested. ECG should be court-martialed.
And the league should send flowers.

KEVIN: THE UNSTOPPABLE DEATH STAR

Let’s move on to Joe Buck Yourself—Kevin—who now sits at 17-3 and is absolutely annihilating this league with the grace and subtlety of a honey badger on Adderall riding a stolen bulldozer.

His Week 10 win over Camel Toe wasn’t just a victory.
It was an execution.
A public beheading.
A fantasy snuff film.

JBY 137.58
SMYT 80.02

Kevin has reached that level where other owners are no longer competing with him—they’re simply hoping he forgets to set his lineup because he’s too busy trying to get his penis out of whatever homeless woman is occupying his time.

Watching Kevin roll through this league is like watching the world’s most charming supervillain give a TED Talk titled “I chose violence.”

At this point, the rest of us are just waiting for him to eventually limp to the finish line with a catastrophic playoff loss, and trust me—when that happens, I’m going to fucking destroy him in such a way they’re going to honor me at the Kennedy Center.

THE SEARCH FOR THE BOSS: MISSING IN ACTION

Let’s address the growing elephant in the room—or rather, the missing elephant.

The Boss is gone.

Not “took a week off.”
Not “checking scores from his phone.”
No.

He is presumed MIA.

Rumor has it he was last seen staring at his lineup with pupils dilated like a man confronted with undeniable proof of his own mediocrity. Someone claims he wandered into the woods mumbling something about infestation of mediocracy. Others claimed he moved to Montana and joined a militia. A third report says he tried to physically fight his own kicker.

We’re not ruling any of it out.

A formal search party has been assembled. Volunteers include:

• A bloodhound with a gambling addiction
• A drone with low batteries
• And Gerry, because he thought this was a tailgate

Until he is found, his fantasy team will be run by AI programmed to make the exact same bad decisions.

In years to come a therapist is going to have me play this out with dolls.

MATCHUP AUTOPSIES

Big Dawg vs One Man Wolf Pack

Junior 93.54 – Rex 45.82

This wasn’t a matchup.
It was a crime scene.

Wolf Pack doubled up Big Dawg so severely that onlookers felt the need to call social services. Rex’s performance was the fantasy equivalent of a man losing a fight with a parked car.

Have you ever looked at Big Dawg and thought…
“Yep, this mother fucker has someone locked up in his basement”?

Well, now you can add “and he let them set his lineup.”

Revenant vs Keydets

Coach 99.80 – Tom 62.20

Revenant now officially qualifies for FEMA assistance.

Coach didn’t even play that well; Revenant just imploded like a lung in a collapsing coal mine. Watching this matchup unfold was like watching someone try to make toast with a fork in a lightning storm.

Hawk vs Ballerinas

Doll Face 86.60 – The Boss 52.94

Doll Face did what needed to be done: beat a struggling Ballerinas team that has all the offensive potency of warm tapioca. The Boss played so badly that even their imaginary cheerleaders filed HR complaints.

TA3 vs HOF Commish

Gerry 82.60 – Paulie 53.42

Paulie is now 7-13 and has reached that special place where the league stops making fun of you and instead pulls you aside like:
“Hey man… you okay?”

Commish didn’t play well, he simply played less terribly.
It was survival by default.
Fantasy Darwinism at its finest.

THE LEAGUE POWER DYNAMICS

• Kevin (JBY): Unstoppable. Unkillable. Deeply concerning. Someone check his basement.
• Michael & Coach: Hot at the right time, dangerous, and smug about it.
• Gerry: Now a traveling fantasy shaman. May need to be legally stopped.
• ECG: Fun fact—if you look closely, you can see the exact moment the trade with Coach ruined his life.
• The Boss: Missing. Possibly joined a cult. Possibly leading the cult.
• Brian and Paulie: Not mathematically eliminated, but spiritually, emotionally, and ethically eliminated.

FINAL THOUGHT

Week 10 reminded us that this league is a carnival of dysfunction, accidental brilliance, and tragedy masquerading as strategy. And as always, I’ll be here chronicling the disasters, because nothing brings me joy like watching your fantasy hopes crumble like Brian’s self-esteem in direct sunlight.

Until next week—

Where your opinions are welcomed but not always listened to…

 

ECG