Sure as the sun rises in the east, it is time for the annual Philadelphia Federation of Teachers strike threat.  This amalgamation of super-sized complainers, supported by their overstaffed, nepotism-based leadership oligarchy, is complaining once again.  This time around, however, their demands are a little different:

• 3% increase to Twinkies stocked in teacher’s lounge
• Free SEPTA bus passes for the routes that used to go past their school
• Free soft serve ice cream at Ponderosa and GLP-1 infusions
• Mario is to be removed as the PFT representative in the VFFL

Word is they are willing to negotiate down the 3% increase, go from free to deeply discounted items, and GLP-1 shots with a cake batter scratch and sniff band aid versus infusions.  They have made clear, however, that the “Mario is to be removed as the PFT representative in the VFFL” is NON-NEGOTIABLE.  They are willing to walk out (to the extent they physically can) and give up one of their 45 “holidays” (preferably Columbus Day) to get this done.

It’s been said that “it ain’t over till the fat lady sings.”  Well, we’ve been waiting over 20 years, and in ECG’s case, the fat lady hasn’t even cleared her throat.  At this point, she’s not backstage warming up – she’s at home, striking with the teacher’s union, demanding better conditions before she’ll even consider belting out the tune of victory.

Meanwhile, ECG struts around like a fantasy football Pavarotti, tossing out trash talk thicker than his waistline, but when it comes time to deliver, crickets.  No title.  No parade.  Not even a whiff of confetti.  His championship drought has lasted longer than some of our league members’ marriages.

And let’s not forget the irony: he works for a company tied to the teacher’s union, but the only lesson he’s been teaching us are “How Not to Win a Fantasy League 101.”  Spoiler alert: it’s a semester-long course with no finals, just excuses. 

So here’s my proposal: Until ECG can prove that his fantasy skills extend beyond shouting sexist one-liners and waddling into the draft room with unearned confidence, the league should consider sending him on permanent strike.  At least then, the fat lady can finally take a bow – because in this case, folks, the season is over before it even begins. 

Signed,

The League’s Concerned Citizens