Alright, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another year of the VFFL draft — where everyone shows up thinking they’re a fantasy mastermind, and by Week 4, half of you are begging the waiver wire like it’s a fucking dating app.

Some of you are still chasing that one miracle pick from years ago, hoping for lightning to strike twice. Newsflash: it won’t. Others are convinced that drafting their favorite team’s entire roster is a winning strategy — spoiler alert, it’s not. And let’s not forget the Doll Face Strategy (Brian), who drafts two QBs in the auction and then spends the rest of the season wondering why his running backs are backup practice-squad guys.

We’ve got the annual injury magnet (yours truly) — whoever you draft is basically doomed. We’ve got the trash talkers (looking at you, Kevin), who are usually eliminated by Thanksgiving. And, of course, the lucky one — because every year, someone stumbles into the playoffs off waiver scraps and blind luck (and that would be Tom).

But hey, that’s what makes the VFFL beautiful. Bad picks, bold moves, heartbreak, and bragging rights that somehow matter way too much. So buckle up and let’s start as we always do… making fun of the draft picks…

Paulie Eat Me was the recipient of the Jim Rivard award last night. He did manage to pick up A.J. Brown and Kyren Williams. A.J. is a great player, but there are a lot of mouths to feed in Philly. I might be wrong, but I’m not in love with Williams. He did well with the Chase pick, but what’s up with Garrett Wilson? Shit, even The Boss learned his lesson from last year. Then you double down with Justin Fields? So, you hitched your fantasy year to the fucking Jets? Sweet Jesus, help us. Kelce is too busy worrying about getting some ass from Taylor to focus on football anymore (can’t blame him). Did you see him in the Super Bowl when he was avoiding blocks? He knew he was getting some that night and didn’t want to pull a hammy…

Grade: C

Michael Mike, I’m talking directly to you now. I want to let you in on a little secret. Have you ever wondered why Gerry doesn’t just list the top 36 players in the auction instead of dividing them into categories? It’s because this sick fuck wants you to waste money on shit that doesn’t matter, like drafting the Eagles Defense. Ever wonder why the rest of us don’t draft a defense until Round 12? You went for the bait, hook, line, and sinker. Then you got Trey McBride, who is great, but has a douche bag throwing to him. Of course, I liked the Lamar pick, but now you have to waste more money on a backup. Bucky Dent is a nice pick — hopefully, he becomes the feature back in Tampa.

Mike, you might be a “who's who” for financial healthcare managers in South Jersey, but in the world of fantasy football, you’re the fucking Jets…

Grade: D

Kevin I know Kevin was having a blast with lotion and tissues while thinking about his performance last night. He doesn’t have a cornerstone player, but he has respectable players at every position. I would rather be reincarnated as Skip Bayless with Stephen A.’s hairline and Stefon Diggs’ decision-making skills than draft DK Metcalf and Kyler Murray, but they are serviceable. Depending on the matchup each week, he could actually have a chance.

Grade: C+

Tom This fucker is like the one who hits on the widow at her husband’s funeral. The Grim Reaper of the VFFL was at it again last night, but he should have been more concerned with his own roster instead of other owners’. Omarion will split time with a healthy Najee Harris, and Tom doesn’t get another runner until the 7th round with Jacory Croskey-Merritt, who’s backup booty to Austin Ekeler. Then Tom does what he does best: he vultures other owner’s handcuffs, snagging Charbonnet and Robinson Jr. just hoping someone gets injured…

Tom, you are the human version of menstrual cramps…

Grade: C

Rex The Big Dawg got two studs in the auction, but the inability to grab a third put him behind in the draft. Then he decides to go with a receiver instead of a runner in the first round, which is confusing because this draft was deep for receivers. He doubles down and picks another receiver in the second round. Finally, he gets a part-time runner in Montgomery. The rest of your team looks like a collection of retards and fuck-ups. However, you do get a good grade for your auction players.

Grade: B

Beth Girlfriend had a wonderful draft. Barkley was a nice win, Kittle is really the only passing option in San Fran (which has the easiest schedule in the league), and on top of that, she gets St. Brown. Nice trifecta for the auction. Kamara could be a huge find for her if he stays healthy, and Smith-Njigba is the guy in Seattle. Very nicely done.

Grade: A

Mary Annis I told Doll Face that I might have to write something nice about her this time around, and I will. I love her auction players, but she has the same problem Rex had — she was behind a round. However, unlike previous years when she drafted like an epileptic Picasso, she pulled off a masterpiece. Adams, Walker, Herbert, Engram — all nice players.

Looks like the estrogen twins came to play this year.

Grade: A-

Brian Somewhere out there is a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so Brian can breathe. I think he should apologize to it. This ass wipe gets two quarterbacks in the auction — just a waste of money. Then, let’s double down on your stupidity and draft Breece Hall. The fucking Jets don’t even like him! Jesus Christ, did you want to lose this year? I blame Gerry and his fucking DEI agenda…

You’re the reason people put directions on shampoo bottles…

Grade: F

Coach Coach set out to replenish the plantation and started with Brian Thomas Jr. and a familiar field hand in Jayden Daniels. If Coach is anything, he’s loyal. Then he took a risk with the acquisition of Christian McCaffrey. Drafting this pasty mother-fucker is riskier than going on a double date with Deshaun Watson at a massage parlor. Coach’s whole season depends on that Achilles tendon.

Don’t worry, Coach, he’s a shoe-in for MVP this year.

Grade: B+

Gerry Like dildos at a WNBA game, Gerry always shows up for the draft. He gets four studs in the auction, which sets him up a round ahead of everyone else in the draft. I think he made one mistake in the draft, but he makes up for it with Ekeler and Chubb. Well done, Commish…

Grade: A

The Boss Bob also got four players in the auction but fell for Gerry’s trap, wasting money on a kicker ranked outside the top 100. Then The Boss decided to go with three straight wide receivers, which made his second runner very weak. Plus, Tyreek Hill is hurt and may not play this week. Bob’s second runner is a choice between Warren, Skattebo, and Mostert. That’s like choosing between giving head or taking it up the ass — either way, you’re getting fucked somewhere you don’t want to…

Grade: C+

Your opinions are welcomed but not always listened to…

ECG