Mad Dogs (2-1) vs nWo (1-2)

 

Mad Dogs dropped one last week and suddenly look mortal. nWo is averaging a stunning 87 points per week worth of sadness and excuses. If Mad Dogs lose this one, they forfeit the word “Mad” and rebrand to “Slightly Irritated Poodles.”

 

Edge: Mad Dogs — unless they bench their starters out of pity.

 

Balls of Hate (2-1) vs My Ball Zach Ertz (2-1)

 

Both teams are 2-1 but pretending they’re elite. Balls of Hate have 311 total points and still somehow feel like a coin-flip squad, while My Ball Zach Ertz’s crew is allergic to breaking 100. The winner gets “dark horse” status. The loser gets mocked publicly in the power rankings, if we put any stock into them.

 

Edge: Slight nod to Balls of Hate... mostly because they’re not playing LiQ-ourballs.

 

Nigerian Yaks (0-3) vs LiQ-ourballs (2-1)

 

Calling this a “matchup” is generous. The Yaks continue to cosplay as a bye week. LiQ-ourballs might score more with their kicker than the entire Yak roster. Yaks are averaging 72.8 points per game, which is less than some TE tandems. If LiQ-ourballs lose this, they are demoted to sobriety.

 

Edge: LiQ-ourballs by 60+. Maybe triple digits.

 

HAIRBEAR (2-1) vs nWo Wulfpack (1-2)

 

HAIRBEAR is the current league points leader (356.69) and suddenly acting like they knew what they were doing this whole time. Wulfpack, on the other hand, puts up numbers but loses like it’s performance art. This could be high-scoring… unless Wulfpack decides to Wulfpack.

 

Edge: Wulfpack — unless they get bored at halftime.

 

Shock Value (1-2) vs Turbo (1-2)

 

Both sitting at 1-2, both scoring just enough to be annoying but not enough to be good. Shock Value has 303 points but forgot defense is a thing. Turbo has 311 and still lost twice, which takes real dedication.

 

Edge: Shock Value, unless Turbo stops stalling halfway through Sunday.

 

Teddy Ruxpins (1-2) vs Hamburg Hooligans (1-2)

 

The “Which of us sucks less?” Bowl. Teddy started hot and faceplanted. They are in full “let me offer you 3 pieces of garbage for your best WR and $10 mode.”  Hamburg is averaging 101.5 points and still has no idea what their identity is. One of these teams crawls back to .500. The other gets thrown to the Dumpster Fire Watchlist.

 

Edge: Hamburg Hooligans — by sheer accident.

 

Bolsheviks (1-2) vs T**m H**s (1-2)

 

Bolsheviks are 4th in total points and somehow 1-2 because the fantasy gods, and maybe actual God (he is a lib), hate them. T**m H**s is mediocre in every statistical category — like the human equivalent of lukewarm tap water, which they prefer to cold water. If the Bolsheviks lose this, revolution will have to wait until 2026.

 

Edge: Bolsheviks, unless they bench their entire WR corps out of spite.

 

Team Blitz-Craig (3-0) vs Trash Pandas (3-0)

 

THE MAIN EVENT. The Battle of the Unbeatens.

Blitz-Craig is undefeated and playing like a slow, inevitable death machine. Trash Pandas are undefeated because raccoon sorcery and opponent incompetence. They figured something out.  After bitching seemingly every year of scoring so many points and still missing the playoffs, they now score barely any points and still win.  Someone’s walking out 4-0. Someone’s crying into the waiver wire.

 

Edge: Blitz-Craig… but the Trash Pandas have dark magic and garbage-fueled luck.

 

Week 4 Storylines

 

Can Blitz-Craig or Trash Pandas survive the undefeated clash?

 

Will HAIRBEAR keep scoring like a drunk DFS lineup?

 

Can nWo avoid humiliation vs Mad Dogs? (Unlikely.)

 

Will the Yaks break 90 points? (Hilarious question.)

 

Is Week 4 when Shock Value wakes up or when Turbo floors it?

 

Does LiQ-ourballs even need to set a lineup to beat the Yaks?