Week 6 Preview — Rivalry Week

Rivalry Week – the week where I make sure you are playing a person that you would be upset about not playing based on the natural division alignments, or you’re one of a handful of teams that I couldn’t find a rivalry game for and you needed to play someone.

Shock Value (3-2) vs. nWo Wulfpack (2-3)

Shock Value is the fantasy version of a Tesla: flashy, fast, and somehow still losing to gas guzzlers. Shock Value walks in acting like they’re electricity — but lately they've been more like static. nWo Wulfpack rolls in with McCaffrey, Hurts, and Montgomery like they’re cosplaying as a playoff team. This one’s got shootout energy unless Shock Value short-circuits again.

Edge: Wulfpack’s bench could win a separate league. Shock Value’s starters are solid, but they’re facing a team built like a Madden cheat code. Wulfpack. This one’s less rivalry, more demolition derby.

Nigerian Yaks (2-3) vs. Hamburg Hooligans (3-2)

The oldest matchup in the league.  Yaks are still trying to figure out if Bryce Young is a quarterback or a motivational speaker. Hamburg Hooligans are starting Sam Darnold like it’s 2018 and optimism is free. This matchup is less “rivalry” and more “who forgot to set their lineup.”

Edge: Hooligans — Diggs and Taylor are grown-ups. Yaks are still in daycare. Yaks are still grazing while the Hooligans are already looting the scoreboard.

Balls of Hate (3-2) vs. Turbo (2-3)

Turbo shocked the world last week by actually winning. Balls of Hate are still recovering from getting Hooligan’d. Mahomes and Walker are ready to drop a 40-burger, while Turbo’s Spencer Rattler is still trying to find the end zone with Google Maps.

Edge: Balls of Hate — Turbo’s engine is revving, but Balls of Hate has Mahomes in the driver’s seat. This race ends with Fart Can in the rearview mirror.

HAIRBEAR (2-3) vs. LiQ-ourballs (3-2)

HAIRBEAR is scoring like they’re trying to win a scholarship. LiQ-ourballs are still blacking out and waking up with wins. Josh Allen and Cooper Kupp give LiQ-ourballs the firepower, but HAIRBEAR’s steady RB duo of Jacobs and Stevenson could grind out a win.

Edge: HAIRBEAR — If LiQ-ourballs wins again, the league petitions for sobriety protocols.

Team Blitz-Craig (5-0) vs. nWo (1-4)

Blitz-Craig is undefeated and emotionally unavailable. nWo is starting Chase Brown and Wan’Dale Robinson like it’s a fantasy parody. This is the kind of matchup where Blitz-Craig wins by 30 and doesn’t even check the score.

Edge: Blitz-Craig — the league’s silent assassin. nWo’s only hope is divine intervention or a scoring glitch. Expect Team Blitz-Craig to crack 120 again.

Mad Dogs (3-2) vs. My Ball Zach Ertz (3-2)

Both 3-2. Both pretending they’re contenders. Neither willing to admit they’re frauds. Winner gets respect. Loser gets labeled “play-in game material” for the rest of the season. Mad Dogs are still licking their wounds from last week’s Turbo ambush. Zach Ertz is rolling with Marvin Harrison Jr. and Breece Hall like it’s a Heisman ceremony. Goff and Cook need to go nuclear for the Dogs to stay in it.

Edge: My Ball Zach Ertz — unless Mad Dogs remember they’re supposed to be contenders.

Teddy Ruxpins (1-4) vs. T**m H**s (1-4)

This is basically Henry O. Godwin vs Bastion Booger in a Slop Match.  This is the fantasy equivalent of two Roombas bumping into each other. Ruxpins have Kelce, Kamara, and Waddle — which should be enough. T**m H**s is starting Tre Tucker and Brashard Smith like they are getting some kind of a handicap.

Edge: Ruxpins — Both 1-4. Both embarrassing. This isn’t a matchup — it’s a cry for help. The only thing on the line is dignity, and neither side brought any.

Bolsheviks (2-3) vs. Trash Pandas (4-1)

Trash Pandas are quietly dominating the West. Bolsheviks need a bounce-back after last week’s 49-point dud.  The Bolsheviks want uprising. The Trash Pandas want garbage. This is socialism (literally) vs scavenging — and the only guarantee is misery.

Edge: Trash Pandas — Bolsheviks rebound with a 90+ point week, but they are bringing a butter knife to a bazooka fight. Trash Pandas are locked, loaded, and ready to raid the Bolshevik bunker.

Rivalry Week Storylines

• Can Turbo win two in a row without summoning dark forces?

• Will Shock Value finally beat a team with a winning record?

• Is Blitz-Craig human or just a spreadsheet with Ja'Marr Chase?

• Can HAIRBEAR outscore LiQ-ourballs without needing therapy?

• Will the Bolsheviks stop being the league’s Shakespearean tragedy?