Mad Dogs (5-3) vs Teddy Ruxpins (3-5)

Mad Dogs are trying to stay top dog, but last week they got neutered by Shock Value. Teddy Ruxpins barely squeaked past Balls of Hate, and now they’re hoping Kelce can carry them like a toddler with a juice box.

Prediction: Mad Dogs? More like Sad Dogs. Goff’s gonna throw like he’s blindfolded, and Henry’s knees are older than Harbaugh’s khakis. Ruxpins are about to turn this pup into a chew toy.  Ruxpins win, Mad Dogs whimper.

Balls of Hate (4-4) vs Bolsheviks (2-6)

Mahomes is locked in, and Hate’s got the Detroit stack humming. Bolsheviks are starting Alec Pierce over A.J. Brown — which is surprising that they even know Brown is on a bye,

Prediction: Bolsheviks are tanking so hard they make the 2017 Browns look competitive. Hate’s gonna stomp them so bad, their team name will revert to what it was prior to their conversion to being a hardcore liberal – the Clit Redskins. Hate rolls, Bolsheviks beg for mercy.

Nigerian Yaks (3-5) vs Team Blitz-Craig (7-1)

Yaks pulled off a win last week, but they basically had a bye.  Now they’re facing the Blitzkrieg. Kyren Williams is solid, but it’s been said that if you have 3 QBs, you have 0 QBs.  Blitz-Craig’s Ja'Marr Chase and Gibbs combo is a fantasy death ray.

Prediction:  Yaks are about to get Blitz’d so hard they’ll need a GPS to find the scoreboard. Penix is gonna pen a love letter to the turf while Blitz-Craig dances into 8-1. Blitz-Craig detonates the Yaks.

HAIRBEAR (3-5) vs Shock Value (5-3)

HAIRBEAR’s got Keenan Allen and Deebo, but Tyjae Spears is still figuring out how to tie his cleats. Shock Value’s got Pittman Jr. and Odunze ready to light it up.

Prediction: HAIRBEAR’s offense is like a mullet — business in the front, disaster in the back. Shock Value’s gonna fry that fuzzball like a cheap perm. Shock Value zaps the Bear into hibernation.

nWo (2-6) vs Hamburg Hooligans (6-2)

nWo’s Dak and Olave are decent, but they’re facing the highest-scoring team in the league. Hooligans have Taylor, Pickens, and Rashee Rice — and Pickens waiting to drop a nuke.

Prediction:  nWo’s gonna get suplexed into irrelevance. Hamburg’s cooking up bratwurst and broken dreams — and nWo’s the main course.  Hooligans stomp nWo like it’s Monday Nitro being written by Vince Russo.

My Ball Zach Ertz (3-5) vs T**m H**s (3-5)

Both teams are desperate. Zach Ertz has Marvin Harrison Jr. and DJ Moore, while T**m H**s counters with CeeDee Lamb and Nico Collins. This one’s a WR shootout.

Prediction: Tough one, but T**m H**s has two Coaches on their roster and that has to mean something.  H**s by 5.

LiQ-ourballs (4-4) vs Trash Pandas (6-2)

LiQ’s got Josh Allen and Aaron Jones, but the WRs are sketchy, especially if they decide to only start one. Trash Pandas are stacked with Bo Nix, Achane, and Puka Nacua and Dowdle supposedly in the lead role.

Prediction: LiQ-ourballs are about to get raided like a frat house on probation. Trash Pandas are gonna dig through their lineup and leave nothing but empty cans and broken dreams.  It will be like if Liq came home to a party that his kid threw at his house and announced, “if you have a car, get in it and leave!”  Trash is gonna respond, “what if you don’t have a car, does that mean you can stay?”  They will stay and there’s nothing Liq can do about it.

nWo Wulfpack (4-4) vs Turbo (4-4)

Game of the week alert! Wulfpack’s got McCaffrey, Jefferson, and Kittle — a fantasy Avengers lineup. Turbo counters with Lamar Jackson and Etienne, but the WRs are suspect, as much of Turbo’s roster usually is.

Prediction: Wulfpack’s gonna get lapped like a tricycle in the Indy 500. This is what happens when you start Tua vs Lamar.  Turbo speeds into playoff contention.  I hate everything about that.