As I reflect on the beginning of our 25^th year(!) of Hotel Hell, I think it’s pretty obvious that most of you have made it feel like it’s actually been 50 years.  Since I am known for embracing change and having an open mind, I’m trying something a little different this week.  We’ll see how it goes.

 

REIGNING CHAMPION SPOTLIGHT: Hamburg Hooligans

 

The Hamburg Hooligans kicked in the doors last season and never left the lobby. Now Jeff returns with a crown, a bullseye, and what we can only assume is a spreadsheet full of waiver wire priorities.

 

But this ain’t 2024. It’s 2025. And in Hotel Hell, last year’s trophy means nothing if your RB1 tweaks a hammy in Week 1.

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**HOTEL HELL: WEEK 1 MATCHUP PREVIEW**

 

Every team is 0-0. Every GM thinks they're a genius. Half of them are wrong.  Well in this league, Learn is the only one that thinks he is a genius, so 100% of them are wrong.

 

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MATCHUP BREAKDOWNS

 

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**Bolsheviks (5-9) vs. Team Blitz-Craig (7-7)**

 

* **Narrative:** Fox wants to bounce back after a rough 2024. Craig quietly made a playoff push last year but came up short.

* **X-Factor:** Can Craig’s WR corps hold up, or will Bolshevik brutality win in the trenches?

* **Prediction:** **Blitz-Craig** opens strong. 1-0.

 

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**LiQ-ourballs (9-5) vs. nWo Wulfpack (7-7)**

 

* **Narrative:** Cordier comes off a strong 2024 with one of the top points scored. Wulfpack split their division last year and want more than middle-of-the-pack vibes.

* **Boom Watch:** Easton’s RB1 vs. Cordier’s WR lottery ticket. One of them is scoring 24+.

* **Prediction:** **LiQ-ourballs** start the year buzzed and dangerous. W.

 

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**Mad Dogs (7-7) vs. Balls of Hate (9-5, Former South Champs)**

 

* **Narrative:** Losel has the classic chaotic energy, but Balls of Hate were a steady playoff team last year.

* **Key Matchup:** QB play. Whoever wins the QB duel walks away 1-0.

* **Prediction:** **Balls of Hate** remind everyone why they topped the South.

 

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**Nigerian Yaks (10-4, East Champs) vs. HAIRBEAR (5-9)**

 

* **Narrative:** Best regular season team vs. one of last year’s biggest mysteries. Paully needs to prove he belongs in the playoff convo.

* **Fun Stat:** Yaks had the 2nd-highest Points For in 2024 (1490.62).

* **Prediction:** **Hairbear rolls.** Like, hard. Double-digit win.

 

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**nWo (5-9) vs. My Ball Zach Ertz (6-8)**

 

* **Narrative:** Both teams limped to sub-.500 seasons in 2024. Redemption starts here.

* **Bust Alert:** One of them is absolutely starting a TE who scores 3.1.

* **Prediction:** **Zach Ertz steals one.** nWo off to a slow start.

 

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**Shock Value (9-5, West Champs) vs. Teddy Ruxpins (5-9)**

 

* **Narrative:** Joe Kur defied logic with a low points for + high win total. Ruxpins were the opposite: high points for, low wins. Something's gotta give.

* **Stat Watch:** Ruxpins scored *more points* than Shock last year… and finished 4 games worse.

* **Prediction:** **Teddy Ruxpins finally get justice, which nobody will be happy about.**

 

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**T**m H**s (8-6, North Champs) vs. Trash Pandas (7-7)**

 

* **Narrative:** Haas is the reigning North champ, but Wegs had more PF and just got unlucky.

* **Key Matchup:** RB decisions — both teams have potentially boom/bust, and more likely to bust, that’ll swing this.

* **Prediction:** **Trash Pandas by 5.** Haas sends trade offers before the SNF game.

 

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**Turbo (6-8) vs. Hamburg Hooligans (7-7, LEAGUE CHAMP)**

 

* **Narrative:** Jeff begins his title defense against a team still finding its footing.

* **Historical Note:** Turbo had one of the lowest PFs in 2024.

* **Prediction:** **Hooligans come out HOT.** Welcome back, champ.

 

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##WEEK 1 BOOM/BUST WATCH

 

**Boom Candidates:**

 

* Christian McCaffrey — Always. Forever.

* Amon-Ra St. Brown — Turbo needs this dude to carry the load.

* Zay Flowers — Look for a breakout vs. soft coverage, especially is Damar Hamlin is on the field.

 

**Bust Alerts:**

 

* Kyle Pitts (again)

* Anyone with a hamstring tag

* Your defense, if you’re facing Josh Allen

 

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## STORYLINES TO WATCH

 

* **Can Nigerian Yaks build on their dominant regular season?**

* **Will the Hooligans defend the throne or get Week 1 humbled?**

* **Will any team go over 160+ and *still* lose?** (It’s Hotel Hell — yes.)

 

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## POWER RANKINGS SNAPSHOT

 

| Rank | Team                  | Reason                                  |

| ---- | --------------------- | --------------------------------------- |

| 1    | **Nigerian Yaks**     | 10-4 last year. Still dangerous.        |

| 2    | **Hamburg Hooligans** | The champ deserves respect.             |

| 3    | **Trash Pandas**      | Criminally underrated last year.        |

| 4    | **LiQ-ourballs**      | Consistency, high ceiling.              |

| 5    | **Teddy Ruxpins**     | Regression swing coming… in a good way. |

 

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## FINAL WORD

 

It’s Week 1. Everyone’s undefeated. Everyone’s confident. And half of you will wake up Monday questioning your life choices.

 

Welcome back to **Hotel Hell** — where the bellhop is blitzing, the elevator is broken, and the fantasy trauma starts **now**.