Because simply drafting a fantasy team apparently wasn't enough for me, I ran the entire board through my wildly over-engineered draft model.

Important disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes only. If the computer hates your team, please direct all complaints to ChatGPT. If it likes my team, the methodology is obviously rigorous and infallible.

🥇 Da Boyz — A
Cook/CeeDee/Rashee/Higgins/Godwin gives Travis a ridiculous amount of WR firepower, with Mahomes and LaPorta on top of it. Very annoyingly competent draft. The computer has declared this Team I'd Prefer Not To Play When Everyone Is Healthy.

🥈 Above Average J — A-
Saquon + Derrick Henry in our completely reasonable and not-at-all-unhinged long-TD scoring system. Mark has apparently chosen violence as his roster-construction strategy. McBride and a deep WR room don't hurt either.

🥉 Crazy eights — A-
CMC at 8 was one of the computer's favorite values of the entire draft. Then Jeanty/Jacobs/Garrett/Davante/Evans. Extremely competent draft, which frankly isn't nearly as entertaining for purposes of this post.

Boats n Hose — B+
Achane + Jefferson + Nabers gives this team a ridiculous ceiling. The computer calls it "high variance." I call it a roster capable of scoring either 82 or 182 with absolutely no warning.

Brooklyn Tigers — B+
Walker/Hampton/Bowers/Lamar followed by me drafting enough WR lottery tickets to stock a small warehouse. Great if a couple of those WR bets hit; considerably less great if they don't. The computer originally liked my team even more, but after further review I've decided that allowing the model's creator to grade his own draft is probably a minor conflict of interest. There will still be no independent audit.

Double D's — B+
Taylor/AJ Brown/Pickens/Loveland/Hurts is a hell of a starting lineup. The computer has some questions about RB depth. Devin presumably has some questions about why I have a computer evaluating our fantasy league.

KCKillaz — B
Starting with Gibbs gives you a lot of freedom to do whatever the hell you want afterward. Doug used some of that freedom to go Aubrey/Rams in R9/R10, thereby becoming the league's first Special Teams Coordinator. Respect.

Bad Boys — B
Amon-Ra/Chase Brown/Olave/Jameson is extremely fun. The computer would just like someone to please check on the RB room occasionally.

Karma is a bitc — B-
Josh Allen and Joe Burrow. Nick looked at our mandatory two-QB rule and said, fine, I'll take the good ones. Honestly, fair.

Wakanda 4eva — B-
Bijan/Breece/Nico/Zay is an absurd first four. After that, Tyler appears to have entered the prospect portion of the draft and started collecting lottery tickets. If a couple hit, this grade is going to age terribly.

Cha-Chingggg! — C+
Ja'Marr Chase surrounded by approximately 14 extremely reasonable NFL starters. The algorithm says "needs more ceiling." I say Dave may simply be the only adult in the room.

Uncle Rico's Bo — C+
Puka plus a whole bunch of young upside. Easily the roster most capable of making this entire post look incredibly stupid by October, which is admittedly not a particularly difficult achievement.

Official fake power rankings:
🥇 Da Boyz
🥈 Above Average J
🥉 Crazy eights

Congratulations to Travis on winning the prestigious September Spreadsheet Championship. Unfortunately, league officials have informed me that we still have to play the games.

Please save this post so the C+ teams can publicly humiliate me with it when they're 6-1 and I'm desperately sending everyone terrible trade offers.

We’re open..