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| Mean Joe Greene Division | |||||
| # | Team | W | L | T | PF |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 3 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 477.62 | |
| 4 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 469.94 | |
| 6 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 409.38 | |
| Jack Lambert Division | |||||
| # | Team | W | L | T | PF |
| 2 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 383.98 | |
| 8 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 476.68 | |
| 10 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 381.06 | |
| Terry Bradshaw Division | |||||
| # | Team | W | L | T | PF |
| 7 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 379.48 | |
| 9 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 385.00 | |
| 12 | 0 | 3 | 0 | 342.30 | |
| Franco Harris Division | |||||
| # | Team | W | L | T | PF |
| 1 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 433.83 | |
| 5 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 439.48 | |
| 11 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 358.25 | |
By Football McFumbles, Correspondent
Week 3 has concluded, and Coach Connor apparently mistook a fantasy matchup for a demolition permit.
The Fighting Jive Turkeys dropped 223.14 points, the highest total of the week by a different ZIP code. Meanwhile, Coach Chris countered with 85.46, proving that technically all 12 teams did participate this week.
Let's examine the wreckage.
COACH CONNOR CHOOSES VIOLENCE
Coach Brad scored 110.28.
Not great. Not catastrophic.
Unfortunately, Coach Connor responded with 223.14, meaning the Fighting Jive Turkeys essentially beat Droppin' Deuces twice.
Jaxon Smith-Njigba went for 39.36, Brock Bowers added 31.60, Garrett Wilson delivered 30.70, Joe Burrow scored 28.58, and Kyren Williams chipped in 23.80.
At some point this stopped being fantasy football and became an insurance claim.
Coach Brad's Patriots defense contributed a majestic 0.00, which was fitting because that was also approximately his chance of surviving this matchup.
The Turkeys are now 2-1.
Gobble around and find out.
85.46. WE NEED TO DISCUSS THIS.
Coach Chris.
Eighty-five points?
The projection was 137.72. The Shottenheimers missed that by more than 52 points.
Drake Maye scored 3.76. Jadarian Price contributed 1.20. Justin Jefferson managed 5.20. Bucky Irving produced 7.80.
This wasn't a lineup.
It was a cry for help.
Even better, Coach Neil's autodrafted Crows Stand scored only 110.44 and still won by nearly 25.
Coach Neil's computer didn't beat Coach Chris.
It put the lineup on power-saving mode and waited for Coach Chris to beat himself.
The Shottenheimers are now 0-3.
At this point, Pete Carroll has reportedly called Coach Chris and said, “Dude, this is getting embarrassing.”
COACH JOHN SCORES 159 AND GETS NOTHING BUT EMOTIONAL DAMAGE
Coach John finally got the kind of performance he wanted.
Jahmyr Gibbs exploded for 43.40. Kenneth Walker III added 21.30. Matthew Golden came out of nowhere with 23.00.
RZA scored 158.94.
And lost.
Because Coach Chuck's CRUSHERS decided this was the week the defending champion's autodrafted roster would become self-aware.
George Kittle dropped 26.20, Matthew Stafford 28.90, Jeremiyah Love 21.90, Chris Olave 21.70, and Coach Chuck rolled to 167.90.
Coach Chuck didn't draft the team.
He just keeps collecting the wins.
Coach of the Year: Windows 11.
THE CURTAIN HAS TEMPORARILY STOPPED FALLING
After McFumbles declared the Annual Steel Curtain Fade™ underway, Coach Jeff apparently became offended.
Bijan Robinson went nuclear for 43.30, Deebo Samuel added 22.00, and the Jaguars defense somehow produced another 17.
Coach Jeff won 150.36-127.86 despite Josh Allen delivering only 17.46.
That's actually concerning.
If Coach Jeff can win when Allen isn't scoring 50, McFumbles may have to postpone the collapse jokes until October.
Coach Rich falls to 2-1.
Jobu doesn't need a refill.
Jobu needs Bijan to calm the hell down.
COACH DENNIS HAS DISCOVERED WINNING
Remember when Coach Dennis opened the season with 84.88 and we wondered whether the Warbirds were already tanking for the 2027 draft?
They're now 2-1.
James Cook led the way with 21.40, Tee Higgins added 21.00, and Coach Dennis calmly dispatched Coach Brian 129.14-110.40.
Coach Brian got 33.80 from Tyler Shough and still couldn't escape.
Why?
Brian Thomas Jr.: 1.80.
Jalen Coker: 3.80.
Omarion Hampton: 5.60.
Those aren't fantasy scores.
Those are prices on the Taco Bell value menu.
Coach Brian drops to 1-2 and continues his slow gravitational pull toward his beloved Bronze Zone™.
Coach Dennis?
Engage.
CRANJIS FINALLY BREAKS 100. PARADE TUESDAY.
Congratulations to Coach Jackson!
After last week's humiliating 99.60, Cranjis McBasketball has successfully located the third digit.
121.54!
Unfortunately, Coach Dave scored 144.37.
Derrick Henry and Christian McCaffrey both topped 21, Davante Adams delivered 22.70, and Michael Wilson exploded for 27.90.
Coach Jackson actually got 30.40 from Drake London and 24.44 from Lamar Jackson.
Then De'Von Achane contributed 1.70, Adonai Mitchell gave him 0.00, and the Eagles defense joined the celebration with another 0.00.
That's two zeros in one starting lineup.
Coach Jackson didn't set a fantasy lineup. He entered a CAPTCHA incorrectly.
Coach Connor: 223.14. Absolutely obscene. The league office is testing the Turkeys for performance-enhancing gravy.
Coach Chris: 85.46. The Shottenheimers are 0-3 and have officially been downgraded from “struggling franchise” to historical reenactment of the Hindenburg.
Coach Chuck: Still winning with an autodrafted team. Every victory is another personal insult to everyone who spent hours preparing for the draft.
Coach Dennis: 2-1. The Warbirds aren't a joke anymore, which is deeply inconvenient for this newspaper.
Coach Brian: The Bronze Zone™ has left the porch light on.
Coach Jackson: Triple digits! We're putting the certificate on the refrigerator.
And your Week 3 headline belongs to Coach Connor:
223.14 points.
The Fighting Jive Turkeys didn't just win.
They left feathers at the crime scene.
Steel Curtain wrote:Wow those are awesome! Nicely done! Thanks John!
2026 Team Logos:
